My Busiest Day

Ahhh, the busiest day of the year for me--the day that I have to make a list of all the students who failed my first semester class. Today records were broken and stupidity reached new bounds. I actually had to make a copy of the "Failure" sheet that was given to us because there was not enough room for my exorbitantly high number of names. Okay, Okay, I will prolongue this no longer. The final number came to a whopping 20 students. Yes, 20 young men and women (mostly freshmen) failed first semester English with Mr. F. "How is this possible?" you might wonder. "Is he the strictest, hardest, most unfair son of a bitch ever to lead an English class?" To these valid concerns I can only answer with a simple statement and a brief anecdote. First, let it be said that feces could pass my class, honest to god feces. In fact, when I think back on former students I do believe that this has literally transpired. Now the anecdote:

To teach students about "Allegory," I make use of Dr. Seuss' book The Butter Battle Book, which is, in fact, an allegory for the cold war between the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. After reading the children's book (I stress the word C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N-'S) aloud to them, I ask them to write a brief summary of it as they would explain it to a five year old--no symbolism or anything fancy, just what happens in the children's book. I even give them sentence starters: "The Yooks and the Zooks are fighting because... They keep making... In the end...". For the purpose of this discussion, I won't even get into the allegory part of the lesson which comes later; I will skip to the punch line. One young man who has the physical appearance of a sneeze personified summarized the book thusly: "this bok is about how peole in china don't like to put butter on there bread upside down."

Alas, perhaps my expectations are far too high. Can you believe I actually expected them to be able to understand a children's book? The nerve!

Classic Journal

After writing about the most recent journal gems, I became nostalgic for some of the past few. During my first year teaching, one particular student actually donated his journal to me for posterity’s sake. Here are some of the more salient entries (be thankful that I cannot type in chicken scratch):

[NOTE: This student is very friendly, sociable, and funny. He is not a special ed student despite what his writing may indicate]

Why this school should be torn down. First of all you weren’t here last year when they shut down your room and five others plus the Autitroumim beccuse they found asbpestits. In there and they shut it down. Other than that the school school smells if you have ever been in the gym locker room you would understand why I complain. I school get about 400 degrees in the school [illegible] in June the school is about ten degress hotter inside that outside. There are all valid complaints. This school needs to be torn down. You need to take a different job.

What is the story of my life I was born a blue baby then I was a very slow kid was poddy strained in one day people said that was the accomplishment of my life I used to go a private school for kindergarden to third grade. Then I went to [here he misspells the name of his town] when I was in forth grade. Then I went to middle shool in six grade I was a very special kid. I went to high school last uear and my school story. My family story is my mom and dad ar split up my brother lives in Colorado i have a twin and a little sister.

Why I hate the the O.C. with a passion. I am sick and tired of hearing about that stupid show all people talk about is how much the O. C. is great. I gave it one chance and I watched five minuts of it and saw it and said to myself this is the stupid show I have ever seen. My neaber who is the same in the same grade and is obsessed with that stupid show talkes abot is all the time. I just want to punch the kid soo badly.

Why I do not like Canada. Just to clear the air I am not a racist. I just don’t like Canada. To start off the don’t know the difference between bacon and sausage. You go to a resterant in Canada and ask for sausage and you will get bacon. Second Canada has been lacking on to the Usa since they have been created. They [illegible] never went to war and I don’t think they even have a army I believe they apect the Usa to get their back we should take over canda and there Hocky.

[Other great topics from this young man include “Why am I sick and tired of freshman” in which he proposes we send all freshmen to Japan and “Why I would not want to be a teacher” which asserts that teachers apparently have very low health coverage]

The Fascinating World of a Ninth Grader

Students are required to write ten pages a month in a journal; they are free to write about anything (Note: this is the one assignment not graded for spelling or grammar). Here are samples from one of my favorites:

Collecting
I’ve always wanted to collect something for some realy odd reason. So, I finaly decided to colect can tabs. I know, its ingenious. I only have like 5, or 6 so far. I’m gonna get more though, because my friend collects cans, and she takes off the can tabs any ways, so she’s gonna give me those, and then I’ll have tons.

Angry
OK, so I’ve been raising both my failing grades, and now my other grades are going down! It makes me so mad!!! I should just go by the modo “Never try never fail.” Maybe I’ll just flunck out, and go buy a double wide mobile home. Get a bunch of cats, and earn the nickname “Cat Woman.” Not because I’m half cat half woman, because I have so many cats that they live in the cabinets.

Demon Child
My little sister has unseen powers. She’s an angel around the parents, and when she gets around me and my older sister and were all alone at home she turns into a demon…

Beauty
I love dressing up my cat Beauty. She is so cute! I get little sister’s baby doll cloths, and stuff her into them, then I put like a little hat on her, and slap on some nail polish. Then I point and laugh. When I get my camera I can acutly capture the moments instead of it being a whisp of a memory.

Beauty Again
Beauty (my cat) is soooooo… smart. For example, when it was around homecoming time I asked her to rate my dress with her tail mind you. It was 1-10, and I got an 8. My older sister, however, got a big FAT 1. It was rather amusing I thought.

My Trophy
[Might I note here that this student is known for sitting the bench the entire game and digging holes in the dirt and playing with grass.]
I got a magnificent 2 in. trophey for soccer. I was so proud of it. Then a trajoody occurred. It broke! The little female kicking the ball broke her ankles…off. So in honer of her I’m going to write a ulagey…if I spelt that correctly.
[The humorous “ulagey” follows]

I personally think the girl atop the trophy was not broken, no no no she was dun dun dun…Murdered! Yes, murdered indeed. Possibly a jealous classmate, or an unworthy teammate. Oh no, not at all. I believe it was don don don…The Demon Child!!! Yes yes of coarse she always does random fickl acts of evil! I shall investigate this further, but until then, Rest in peaces my dear trophey.

Not Guilty?!?
So, I questioned the accused, and she didn’t seem guilty. No sign of sweating, kept eye contact, and she didn’t fidget. This would lead me to believe she is not guilty, or she’s just a very good lyer. She sucks at lieing, so I think she is……..NOT GUILTY